I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
