You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize