Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
