Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize