I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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