so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize