If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
