It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
