yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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