Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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