i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize