It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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