i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
