I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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