She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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