the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
