Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
