i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
