Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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