Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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