i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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