i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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