On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
