Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The Olympian is in my bed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
