Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
