I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Mom said you looked used
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
