How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
