$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
