I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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