i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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