i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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