Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
