I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
