how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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