Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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