Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
