oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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