I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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