new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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