and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
