Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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