Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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