Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
