I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
