this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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