1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Less talking, more tequila
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
