I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
