Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize