god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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