I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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