I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
