i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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