Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
