Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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