We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
