Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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