I'm lost and stupid without you.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
