ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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