she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My feet surprised me
Randomize
