btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
