just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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