I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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