my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can you bring me the toilet please
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
