He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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