no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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