Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
