So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
