My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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