Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
