how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
