No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
