They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
