Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
